One Big Machine (What 'Hugo' Taught Me)

Hugo: "Everything has a purpose. Even machines. Clocks tell the time, and trains take you places. They do what they're meant to do. Maybe that's why broken machines make me so sad. They can't do what they're meant to do. Maybe it's the same with people-- if you lose your purpose, it's like you're broken."

Isabelle: "I wonder what my purpose is."

Hugo: "I don't know."
...
Hugo: "After my father died, I'd come up here a lot. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

(from the movie Hugo, 2011)

One Year's Time

I got home from my mission one year ago from June 10th. It's absolutely ridiculous how fast times slips by and how much changes.  

The beginning of my mission:

The middle:

The end:

And some of the good stuff in between:

Unless you've been, you don't understand.

My mom, sister, and grandpa came and picked me up. We traveled around the East Coast a bit:

Then I came home and was released. The first thing I did was stay in my room (alone, for that matter) and went through all my clothes. I threw nearly all my clothes away (minus all my best graphic tees). I tried getting my old job back, but they were overstaffed and couldn't take me. It took me about five weeks, but I ended up getting a job at Chrysalis which has been probably one of the greatest things to happen to me.
I didn't go back to school. I got depression, but I had a coworker and friend, Cadence, who was a great support and a big help.

My friends were just as great-- nay, even better than when I left. Even all my friends who I didn't get to hang out with a lot absolutely helped with all my challenges. I could never have asked for better friends ever.

Then on Halloween I went up to Logan. I met a certain bearded man while I was dressed like this:

We started dating. I quickly formed plans to move back to Logan. The end of the year rolled around and I was out of my parents' house.

I started working in the day program at Chrysalis in Logan. I legally can't show you any photos of how awesome my clients are and how much fun we have, but trust me: I love it. 

Dustin and I got engaged on Valentine's day...

... and got married soon afterwards.

Now here I am! A year later from coming home from my mission. I know it's not the biggest event ever, but it's sure humbling to think of all the changes that have happened over the course of a year. At times I hated where my life was going, but hindsight is much clearer. I am definitely okay with where things have taken me.

Of course I think about my mission a lot, but new chapters are always something I look forward to. Serving a mission helped me learn principles for all aspects of life, and I've definitely seen them apply directly to life, especially at work. I do miss Jersey and PA a lot. Except for the hot humid days.

I still can't believe it's been a year.

Education

So, there was this awkward moment when I realized that for some reason I had accidentally disabled commenting on my blog. Obviously it wasn't a big deal since it's probably been a year or so since I noticed. Anyway, now you can comment if you want. Or don't. I'm just glad if you're still with me reading this!

I went to my little sister Mary's high school graduation last week. It's been six years since I graduated, so of course being at the ceremony brought back many memories. Some of the good memories were brought up as I was watching the orchestra play, especially the Lord of the Rings Symphony, which I remember loving to play that song. So yeah! Memories.



But I also had other feelings, too. Being jaded and bitter, for a start.


I went to Utah State University for three years. I was a chemistry major for two years then switched to art (hoping to pursue photography). Then I went on a mission. I came home from my mission last year and registered to go back to school in the fall. I was excited, albeit nervous since it had been three years from the last time I was in school.

Then it didn't work out. I worked and lived at home. It sucked at first, but it ended up leading me to Dustin, who I married. I definitely don't have any complaints about that.

And then this February I had to think about school yet again. I had accidentally been dropped as a student by USU, so I had to reapply. There were all sorts of weird issues with my application, mainly due to the fact that I applied to be an art major without submitting a portfolio (something I didn't think about at the time of filling out an admission form). I had to call a bunch of people and explain my story to every single one of them, and finally one of the guys actually helped me.

I went to register for classes and it didn't work out yet again. This time, however, I didn't really fight it. I had been debating for a while whether I actually wanted to go back to school, and when registration didn't work for me, I kind of didn't care anymore. It felt like everything was once again conspiring against me, so I didn't try to fight it. Maybe I should have.



So here I am: not going back to school for the fourth year in a row. USU doesn't do Associate's degrees (or at least they didn't when I started), so I have nothing to show for my three years as a student, except what's in my head. Don't get me wrong-- the experiences and friends I made (many of them lifelong friends) were all worth it. But I'm starting to think my education wasn't.

Dustin has had a similar experience with trying college and it not working out. He ended up getting a technical certificate to be a butcher, and it's something he really enjoys.



I have no idea what I want to do. I kind of let go of the idea of being a professional photographer a couple months ago. It's not something completely off the table, but in all honesty, I am probably not going to do it. That decision was a shitty one to make, even when done with the Spirit. Feeling like your only talent was a was of time and effort isn't exactly a pleasant experience.

I've had to think a lot about what I'm supposed to do as a career. I don't want to go back to college because the only thing I have to show for it is debt (besides the experiences and friends). I always held education in a high regard: both my parents are college graduates and I grew up expecting to do the same. The Prophet has counseled us to get a higher education. But sometimes it's not right for everyone. I used to think that getting a degree was the right thing for me. But now...



There's a great bright side to all of this: I absolutely love my job. I have yet to have a day where I feel like I'm going to work. My coworkers (in both the Provo and Logan locations) are my friends, and I feel incredibly fulfilled each day. Working with disabled individuals is so. freaking. fun. It's fantastic!



Really the only reason I think about school is because if we ever move and a job like mine isn't an option, I really don't have another route. I've looked into technical colleges, but nothing has caught my eye. And way down the road if we ever have kids, I want them to know that getting an education is a good thing-- something I would like to be a personal example of.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to get a degree. Many people who graduate don't go into their fields at all.  I could go on about this for a while, but I recommend listening to a segment from NPR instead. It may be depressing at first, but I thoroughly enjoyed the whole show: Millenials in Today's Work Force. (Seriously-- listen to it. IT APPLIES TO YOU.)


I am quite grateful for all the education I've received. I've seen people who never had a chance to go to school, and I recognize that it does make a big difference. So don't get me wrong, I am very grateful. I am trying to follow the guidance of the Spirit and do what Heavenly Father wants me to do. I just don't know how to feel about education anymore. Is there a school where I can just learn about cats all day??