Time For a Serious Post

Our serious faces. 

Depression. Anxiety. We're all familiar. To what degree varies, but most of us have had experiences with these two bitches.

My depression has been going on and off since I got home from my mission. Then the anxiety came after Dustin and I got married. I only remember having one panic attack prior, and it was way back in my junior year of high school. Now they are a semi-regular occurrence. 

I thought that I could take care of it on my own. At first I thought it was just me obsessing over fearful thoughts and that all I needed to do to stop the anxiety was just to think of positive things. Month after month it got worse. The late-night panic attacks were exhausting, both physically and mentally. A couple months ago I tried some homeopathic medicines. It helped the anxiety, but not with the depression.

Every time I was depressed I would tell myself that I needed help. But when I felt better, it didn't seem necessary. So I would push aside the thought that I should go to a doctor, and continue on as "normal." Dustin has been my biggest help from the start. When I finally just started telling him everything, no matter how ridiculous, irrational, or seemingly unimportant it seemed, the better I felt. 

The pattern continued nonetheless. Dustin would do (and still does) everything he could to help and encourage me. Sometimes it was just a really long hug as I sobbed over emotions I didn't understand. He repeatedly tells me I'm not broken. He doesn't even let me joke about it on my good days. That, of all things, has been the most helpful.

So the new year rolled around. And I looked back on 2015 and decided that 2016 wouldn't be that way-- it couldn't. I couldn't keep losing myself to fears I couldn't face or to misplaced guilt. So I found a doctor. I went in this week, knowing full well I would have to finally tell someone the scope of my problems.

I ended up being at the doctor's office for two and a half hours. I talked to three different people, all of who were incredibly understanding and helpful. The nurse practitioner (who I spoke to first) showed a level of compassion and understanding that made me feel as if I could figure out myself completely. Before I left, I spoke with a therapist for a little bit. It was rough because as I tried to sum up the decade-and-then-some scope of problems, I felt overwhelmed. If overwhelmed can even begin to describe how much I felt at a loss. That I was in a mess too complicated to fix. But as she spoke to me, she assured me that I could get to a place where I wouldn't have to be so afraid of myself. 

I left, a bottle of antidepressants in hand and a strong recommendation from all three women to go to a specific therapist. I was teary-eyed as I told Dustin the results of my doctor's visit. The funny thing is, it was exactly what I was expecting to hear. But that didn't make hearing it any easier. 

Throughout that evening, I cried on and off. Dustin hugged me. A lot. I stained his shirt with mascara as his deep breaths slowly calmed me down. I didn't sleep that night. I kept telling myself that I should've seen a doctor months ago and that I would've been better right now. The words of President Uchtdorf came to mind:

"An old proverb says, 'The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second-best time is now.'"

And now is indeed when I'm starting. 
Well, restarting.

3:00 A.M.

I awoke suddenly.

The reason wasn't immediate, which it usually is when I wake up so promptly (you know, a light in the room, too cold, too itchy, a limb has fallen asleep...). It took me a couple minutes to come to, but when I did, I saw a faint, blurry, glowing orb in front of my face. Still confused and not fully aware, I squinted pathetically to try and see better. With no clearer understanding, I reached out my hand and slowly went to touch it. As my hand reached, my touch encountered a soft material. It was Dustin's blanket.

As Dustin felt my touch, he threw the covers off his face, revealing that the glowing had been coming from his phone. As soon as I registered the phone, I then realized that both my arms were somehow partially asleep. The painful, ticklish feeling of both limbs coming back to life brought my cognitive abilities to full awareness.

Me: "What are you doing?"
Dustin: "I couldn't sleep."
Me: "How long have you been up?"
Dustin: "About an hour."
Me: "Geez! What time is it?"
Dustin: "Almost three. I think I'm going to get up and go to work early." (He usually wakes up at 4:00 and goes to work at 5:00.)

We laid there for a couple minutes, chatting about who-knows-what, laughing a bit; then Dustin peppered me with kisses before getting up to go to work. I, surprisingly, ended up falling back asleep pretty soon after that.

What a pleasantly odd night. Or morning. Whatever you consider 3:00 a.m. to be.

Not the Place

Radio... er, internet silence for a couple months. My bad. But also, I don't feel bad because everyone has their own intricate life webs with which to deal. My personal life web has been just going to work. As it has been for a while. Although I did go to New York in August, except Dustin wasn't able to come and I ended up flying home early because I couldn't deal with the situation of the vacation anymore. And no, it wasn't because my husband wasn't there.

Dustin did get a new job though! That was actually the reason he wasn't able to go to New York with me. The blessings of the job, however, were more than worth it to miss the trip. Full time, benefits, higher pay, and a regular schedule has made it so I actually see Dustin more than an hour or two each day. More time spent together is definitely great.

We've had four appliances break in the past couple of weeks. Our t.v., microwave, rice cooker, and our electric skillet. We replaced the t.v. first, which I guess says something about our priorities? But to be fair, the t.v. happened first. The obnoxious thing is that none of them should've broken. But alas, an oven and stove top work just fine.


The other night I was a little frustrated and sad. About which I don't feel like telling you, only because in writing it will sound super pathetic. Just trust me when I say Dustin let me cry on him for a bit. And as I cried out my frustration, the thought was spoken that sometimes I feel like Utah is not the right place for me. Well, let me clarify-- I never truly felt like Utah was the right place for me, but sometimes I feel that much more strongly. Sure, it's a great place with many beautiful places, but I've never felt like it was my true home. The only reason Dustin ended up in Utah was for his meat cutting school, and before we met his plan was to move away after he was finished. Obviously that changed.

I'm okay living here now. I absolutely love my job, and the thing that keeps me from upping and leaving is definitely all my friends. When I think about the long run, though, I long to be elsewhere. Not to run away, but to find the place that is truly my home. Dustin and I have talked about moving to a number of places: Alaska, Washington, Canada, Iceland... all places we would both love (coincidentally, all coldish places). Personally, I'd love Canada only because I'd love to be the American version of a Canadian-- wearing knit sweaters with giant maple leaves on them and leggings with hockey sticks, and I would celebrate Canada Day with too far too much enthusiasm. Dustin would wear a Bruins shirt and meet some of his Canadian metal bands. And Iceland? It's freaking Iceland. I'm obsessed with that place.

Interstellar was filmed in Iceland. Gorgeous!

Iceland again.

And again.

Sometimes when I think about moving it frightens me because it would be venturing into the unknown. But it would be Dustin and I, moving together to a new adventure. And we both love adventures!

I don't hate Utah, in fact I quite love many things about it. I've just never felt truly at home here.

I'm Going to Hogwarts!

Yesterday morning I woke up to a "happy birthday!" from my husband. Then he said, "Did you hear me get up this morning?" My just-awakened brain tried to recall if I had woken up in the night to Dustin getting up at all. 

Dustin: "So I woke up at like 6:30 am to this tapping noise. It freaked me out at first, but then I figured out what it was."
Me: "What was it?"

Dustin: "An owl!"

Me: "An... owl?? For reals?"

Dustin: "Yeah! It was tapping on our bedroom window and had something in its beak. Look!" He proceeded to hand me a letter wrapped in twine. 

Oh ho! What is this?

They know where I sleep?!

What's this? A Hogwarts seal??

Hmm, there are some letters inside.

I GOT ACCEPTED INTO HOGWARTS??!??!!?!

... AND IT'S SIGNED BY McGONAGALL??!

But wait... there's another letter. It's a personal letter from the Albus Dumbledore explaining why I didn't get my acceptance letter years and years ago. Those Weasley twins...

 I'm pretty sure it's written in magical purple ink.

BUT WAIT!

My... my... my ticket to Platform 9 3/4!!!

Dustin keeps telling me that we really need to find an owlery to respond by July 31st. I totally agree-- we've already worked out some details of how to go about being at Hogwarts as a 24-year-old married woman (Dustin's solution: youth potion).

Happy birthday to me!

Ah yisssss I'm going to Hogwarts!

It's Starting to Feel Like Summer

Dustin and I have opposite schedules a lot of the time, so with my four day weekend and his shorter shifts, we took advantage and went out and did stuff. Now it's starting to feel like summer!


Last weekend our wonderful friends Shane and Shelly came into town to hang out. We decided to play Dungeons & Dragons, which Shelly and I had never played before and it was Shane's first time being a Dungeon Master. Dustin, being Dustin, has played D&D for quite some time. We spent a good part of the game heckling the Dungeon Master, but when we got serious about it things got really fun. I don't even care if you make fun of me. It was great. Dustin and I both have D&D withdrawals now.


Monday my boss and coworkers wanted to go on a hike up Crimson Trail. I have been dying to hike there but for some reason have never been able to find the trail head. Dustin and I stocked up on apples, granola bars, and plenty of water, and we all headed up to the trail.

We started hiking. It was 100 degrees. ONE HUNDRED DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. I've been on much more physically challenging trails, but this hike took the most mental power of them all. I thought I was going to puke almost the whole way up, and I could only go about 20 feet at a time without stopping. I'm not that out of shape, but the heat made me want to just fling myself off the trail and roll down the mountain toward the river. To make it even worse, it was humid. However, with everyone encouraging everyone else, we made it. Dustin had long since gotten ahead of the rest of us, so he doesn't count in the encouraging group (hehe... oh). Once we got to the top, it was a beautiful and fun hike. I'm definitely going again, just never in the heat.

Thursday neither of us had to work in the morning so we went to Herm's for breakfast. If you forgot, Herm's is where we had our wedding dinner, so it was neat to go back (we hadn't been since our wedding). Then we just lounged about and relaxed, which was nice for a change.


Friday we went to the little zoo in Logan. The first time I went there I was super impressed (because I thought it was going to be much smaller), so I wanted to return with Dustin. Both of us really like owls, so we oogled at the Great Horned Owl for a while. Although Dustin kept shooting the peacocks side glares while saying, "I hate peacocks..." haha.


And of course on the Fourth of July Dustin had to work. But in the evening we went up to Lewiston and laid out near the rodeo grounds reading our books while waiting for fireworks. There was a bunch of people there, but surprisingly it wasn't too hard to manage getting in and out.


Now it feels like summer! I've got a couple more hikes planned, and I'm super hoping to go to a baseball game and swimming at one point, because those will just complete everything.

One Big Machine (What 'Hugo' Taught Me)

Hugo: "Everything has a purpose. Even machines. Clocks tell the time, and trains take you places. They do what they're meant to do. Maybe that's why broken machines make me so sad. They can't do what they're meant to do. Maybe it's the same with people-- if you lose your purpose, it's like you're broken."

Isabelle: "I wonder what my purpose is."

Hugo: "I don't know."
...
Hugo: "After my father died, I'd come up here a lot. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

(from the movie Hugo, 2011)