You're probably going to have to get used to me writing depression posts. Because that's essentially all I've become at this point.
My therapist suggested Dustin and I do daily check-ins. There are four categories: physical, social, emotional, and spiritual. So let's do a check-in.
Physical
The past two weeks have been full of physical pain. My ears started aching last Saturday, which I didn't think too much of. Monday and Tuesday at work I had strong headaches that I had never felt before, and I was getting really motion sick at work which lead to sharp nausea pains. I had very little energy and would come home from work and lie on the couch. It kept getting worse, so on Thursday I went to the doctor, thinking I had an ear infection. Turns out is was serous otitis media, which is essentially the tubes behind my ears creating negative pressure on my eardrums. In layman's terms, my ear was sucking my eardrums inside my head. Although the pain has lessened and I'm not as nauseated, it's still there.
Friday night I started having an aching in my back and my hands started going numb. Dustin was worried because arms going numb at random is hardly a good sign. I told him my back was a bit achy, so when we got home from dinner he tried to rub my back. We determined it was kidney pain, which, if I might add, there is no such thing as kidney pain that isn't a problem. It's not like "oh, my stomach is achy, it'll go away." So I got really freaked out. I had an eerie feeling I was going to end up in the hospital that night if I didn't ask for a Priesthood blessing. I had my brother and Dustin bless me. The next day it ached a bit, but then disappeared. I did not go to the hospital.
The amount of emotional and spiritual stress is also taking its toll on me. We'll talk more in a bit.
Social
Probably the only slightly consistently good category. I have my bad days in which I don't want to talk to anyone and have nothing to talk about, but for the most part my social life has been decent enough. A lot of days it is my saving grace. I'm glad some of my closest friends are individuals I work with, because seeing them five (or sometimes six) days a week gives me a constant social feed. There are others I wish I could see more, too.
My social life has gotten easier since my anxiety has diminished greatly. My meds have definitely helped my anxiety attacks become virtually non-existent (for now, that is), so I haven't had the anxiety of worrying about getting anxiety around people. If that makes sense.
Emotional
Loneliness. The loneliness kills me. I feel distant from myself, my husband, from others, from God. I feel as if I'm reaching for a connection, an understanding that cannot be fulfilled. It hurts. So much.
My emotional distress is nearly unbearably heavy. I cry-- a lot. Usually over feelings I don't understand or feelings I wish weren't there. Sometimes my emotions become so harrowing that no amount of crying can relieve me. I sit on the bathroom floor, unable to cry anymore and just stare off until I can muster the energy to get up and finally go to bed. I wish I could fall asleep during the day sometimes to forget how I'm feeling, but I really can't nap.
Spiritual
This and my emotional category are by far the worst. This one is really hard for me to understand, so if I seem confusing or scattered, perhaps it will be a glimpse into how I feel.
I am at a spiritual bare minimum. Most days I feel like I'm barely scraping by. Other days I don't even feel close to scraping by. Now don't get me wrong, I still have a testimony. I know God is there. I know what the Spirit feels like. I honor my temple covenants. I read my scriptures every day. But it doesn't help much.
You see, I feel as if God has left me. I've had several questions throughout the course of the past couple days, weeks, months; the past year; and some questions that span over a decade. And they haven't been answered. It's not from a lack of trying, because believe me, if I've been asking specific questions for over a decade, it isn't because I'm impatient. For some reason God doesn't answer the inquiries I need answers to the most. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I would get bursts of hope and confidence that finally God would answer at least part of my question, or maybe He would help me ask it in a different way that would be better. I prayed. I got nothing.
Nothing.
Not if it pertained to the things I so desperately grasped and pondered after. Here's the deal though-- anything else I got promptings or answers. So I knew that I wasn't cut off from the Spirit because I could still feel its promptings. And then I would desperately and humbly beg for any sort of relief or insight into what I was (and am) struggling with, there was, and is, silence.
I got so discouraged that I stopped praying. I felt scorned, abandoned, and left behind-- as if Heavenly Father was completely ignoring me. So when I told the therapist and Dustin that I had lost my personal relationship with God, I was devastated. I remember being a missionary and feeling a deep understanding and closeness with Him. And I understood that the lack of a relationship with my Father was my fault, because God doesn't leave us. So why was it that when I honestly tried to open up to Him for help, I got nothing? So I tried to pray and it felt absolutely useless. I would get so angry or sad that I started crying only a couple sentences in and would just have to stop. The only time I ever prayed was if it was my turn for our nightly prayer.
And then there's church. I have nothing against the Church, in fact, I quite love it. But right now, I don't have any desire to go. I have struggled for months to get myself to church, and when I do go, it either makes me anxious or sad. Sad because it reminds me of feeling abandoned by God. Anxious because I don't want to be involved in anything social with the church. There are very few Sundays Dustin has off to go, so I usually go alone. The only plus side is that there is one family with three adorable girls that absolutely love me. Of all the things, that has been the biggest blessing at church. They run up to me and tell me they love me and they tell me about their earrings or pajamas or whatever adorable thing they think of. In the past few months, I have found myself going to church essentially to say hi to them. I don't want my calling anymore, and I don't want to be involved.
This past week my prayers have brought me some peace. I have been focusing on more day-to-day things, but I dare not ask about any of my problems. I am much more confident when I pray for Dustin than when I pray for anything personal.
