Single Ladies

This is an excellent satire that was in the Statesman on Monday. You don't have to live in Logan to enjoy it.
Read it, read it!

" To The Single Ladies of Logan:

Many of you speak of a "dating problem." The problem as you define it is: "I hardly go on any dates." You seem to think you are the victims of the inferior male gender – too stupid, lazy or blind to ask you out.

    After all, many of the leaders of the predominant religion of the valley have told you so – but this view extends to all girls in Cache Valley. Many of you go on frequent, fun dates and know how to court like a normal rational human being, but many of you don't. There may be some truth to the notion that Prince Charming is more captivated by "Call of Duty" than by the perfectness and electness that you just radiate. But let's be honest, Prince Charming doesn't play his roommate's x-box much, and the only radiating you're doing involves this week's trigonometry assignment. There is a dating problem, but it's a joint problem. Here are some pointers that will help you do your part:

    1. Prioritize – If a man asks you out, clear your schedule. Homework, club meetings, commitments to attend your roommate's art show, intramural games – all of these, if they are even real – are poor excuses. Chances are the man who asked you out had to ditch his friends, sacrifice that important study group, or is otherwise making you a priority.  Backing out of a date for anything other than death of a parent or sibling demonstrates that you are either confused by your own schedule, meaning you're a psycho witch, or that you never actually intended to go out with him – a lying witch. If you think you're playing hard to get, you're probably pissing him off to the point he needs Nazi-zombies to relax.

    2. Honesty – You obsess about how you want your man confident and manly. So treat him like a man. If you don't like a man, just tell him. Stop lying, stop excusing and stop avoiding. Failure to speak the truth or exaggerating is lying. You are not sparing anyone by lying – lazy witch. Instead you are making him feel like an idiot for believing you when you told him you couldn't go on a date with anyone for a while because you are too busy with homework. When he sees you at Charlie's with that douche guy on Friday night, he'll know you lied, you lying witch, you. All that you've succeeded to do is prove that "Gran Turismo" would have been a better use of the time he spent talking to you.

    3. Communicate – If you don't like sushi, tell him before he pulls up at Black Pearl, a real man will have solutions. Two weeks later when he asks your roommate why you won't answer the phone is not the time for him to find out – lying witch. This blow to his self-esteem will probably require him to spend a few hours with "Halo" to regain his loss.

    4. Maintenance takes two – You can vote, wear pants and play football. In this new world you can ask a boy out. Maybe not for a first, second or even third date. But at some point even Superman needs you to initiate the activities. A man will probably plan and execute most dates, but he can't do it all. Face it, at some point it's your turn – selfish witch.

    5. Perfection – Yeah he may have mixed up the words when he asked you out, but lately it looks like you've been mixing all of your food groups with Tollhouse cookie dough. Really it's amazing he even looked past your terrible eyeliner to see somebody worth asking out. I mean, it obviously must be interfering with your own vision. Or were you too busy thinking of how you could ridicule this man on your unoriginal quote wall to realize he must like you enough to make his palms sweat? He's not going to be perfect, but neither are you – arrogant witch. So see past his attempts to be the Superman you demand, and be nice to the man inside. "

Originally published 4/4/11 in The Utah Statesman by Richard Orcutt