North Dakota doesn't exist

I will state this up front: North Dakota doesn't exist. I realized this not-so-obvious fact a few years ago when I realized that nothing ever happens there. Have you ever met anyone from North Dakota? Have you ever heard of a senator from North Dakota? Have there been any celebrities from North Dakota? Has anything historically significant ever happened in North Dakota? Do you ever see any fruit or vegetables marked with a "North Dakota" sticker? Have you ever seen a tourism advertisement for North Dakota? Do you know any sports teams from North Dakota? Have you ever heard of an airport in North Dakota? Have you seen a North Dakota license plate?! An episode of "Animal Cops: North Dakota?!" Has anyone ever shown you an actual picture of North Dakota?!?!!

No.
Because it doesn't exist.

Now some of you may argue that you've seen the movie "Fargo," which supposedly takes place in North Dakota, so therefore it must exist. I counter this argument with words from another blog: "I wonder if these same people would be willing to argue that Gotham City, Narnia, and Middle Earth are real?" Even Hogwarts. Unless you're deranged, we all know that those places don't exist, as much as we would like them to. North Dakota simply doesn't exist.


The government wants to keep us under the delusion that North Dakota actually exists. President Harrison only wanted to make his presidency seem worthwhile, and his idea was to trick everyone into believing that he accepted a grand, new state into the Union. Another reason he invented North Dakota was to create a red state that would help him when he ran for reelection. Obviously it didn't work because he lost to Cleveland. It didn't work because no one was actually in North Dakota to vote. 


The secret of Harrison's invention of North Dakota was filed away in the Book of Secrets. The only reason a select few and I know is because someone escaped the mind wipe process at the border and tried to spread the truth. What's that you say? What's this mind-wipe I speak of? Well, whenever someone actually goes to "North Dakota" and sees that it doesn't exist, government officials at the border wipe their minds so they only remember sunny grass-scapes and buffalo. It sounds preposterous, but it's true. How do you think they pulled off having a North Dakota quarter?

Just another way the government
perpetuates the lie.

The person who escaped the mind-wipe process claims to still have nightmares about what he saw. His only description is understood as this:

Just a vast, empty black space filled with swirling light and confusing shapes. Theories suggest that if you go deep into the void, you'll go mad and eventually morph into the landscape.

So, for all those who claim to have family in North Dakota (Jenna), they actually live in South Dakota, which is actually just Dakota. The government has to keep those who live close to the void quiet. And any mineral rights you may own in North Dakota (Jenna) are just another ploy. Every 68 years you'll receive a small check in the mail for a non-existent gem they found on your fake plot.

North Dakota is as real as Charlie Sheen's career or Joan Rivers' face.

Co-written by Shelly and Neal. 
Fact-checking by Neal.